5/1/11 Katie's Healthy Eating Journal: Sunday

Someone at Jenny Craig advised me that it's not all about a number.  I would think many of you agree with this statement.  It's supposed to be all about if you're losing inches.  However, I'm going to be completely honest when I say I still care about the number.  I would be lying if I didn't care.  When I make a trip to the doctor's office I dread getting on the scale.  I do it every week at JC but for some reason it's different at the doctor's.  I feel as if the nurse if judging me, even though I'm sure she's not; I'm the one judging myself.  I think it's from years of nurses/doctors telling my Mom that her daughter was overweight.  They would suggest less food, healthier food, and more excercise.  All of which she had been instilling in me since I was a little girl.  My friends hated coming to our house because there were no good snacks.  I think part of my eating disorder is unfortunately due to trying to get me to exercise as a child vigorously.  Let me be clear, my parents never once indicated that I was fat nor did they try and implement unhealthy advice or exercise regimes.  In fact, I played outside and played sports constantly in the spring and summer.  They were always positive role models in my life.  It was the winter months that they would suggest I stop playing Barbies or on the computer and maybe walk on the treadmill or workout bike that we had in our basement.  They were normal, worried parents with doctors getting on them to make me lose weight.  They tried to suggest it casually but my parents were avid exercisers and I think the combination of seeing them model their lifestyles with excessive workouts coupled with the constant nudge to exercise just helped "feed" my brain that told me I was fat (this mentality came from peers in school, my own judgements, and snippets I heard from other adults and doctors all my life). 

I think even still people worry about me getting too thin (again, as some have frequently said). I think some still watch what I am putting in my mouth and listen closely to what I say searching for signs of a disorder that will never fully go away.  All I can do is talk about it openly and realize the dangerous bad-habits that led me to my bulemia.  When I notice that I'm traveling down that road I always tell my husband and parents - it was being so secretive about my feelings in the first place that got me to the bulemic stage.  I never want to be there again.  I feel I'm always in a constant battle with myself about weight.  It's exhausting.  Why have I put so much pressure on myself to be thin?

Breakfast -

JC Cinnamon French Toast with 1/4 cup sugar-free syrup

Banana

1 cup fat-free organic milk

Snack -

JC Anytime Bar

Lunch -

JC Cheesy Potatoes and Chicken

Carrots

Snack -

2 clementines

Dinner -

JC Mac & Cheese

Salad (mixed greens, tomatoes, peppers) 2 tbsp. light ranch

Snack -

JC Triple Chocolate Cheesecake